You might be surprised how much of my practice is spent talking to clients about how to say “no” when they are asked to do something. We live in a culture where high performers are rewarded for saying “yes” to all opportunities and requests, and enthusiastically, too; once they add on seniority and responsibilities, this becomes impossible, since we only have 24 hours in a day, after all. What remains, unfortunately, is the fear of missing out (FOMO!), of making people unhappy, or of being considered a “slacker” if you push back.
Here’s the deal: Strategy, by definition, is about knowing when to say “no.” Strategy is about allocating scarce resources. This is true in business and it is true in personal leadership. If you are never saying “no,” know that it doesn’t mean you are crushing it; it probably just means you are not being strategic in your actions. Whenever we say “yes” to something, we de facto say “no” to something else. We make choices all the time, because our time is finite. Are the choices that you are making deliberate, as much as you can? Or are others making all the choices for you?
Whenever we say “yes” to something, we de facto say “no” to something else. We make choices all the time. Are they your choices, or someone else’s?
I acknowledge this is not as easy as it sounds. One of my clients told me: “In [company x], there’s a culture where you cannot just say “no.” You acknowledge when you can’t deliver something, but you need to manage the person, provide alternatives, be creative.” So here is a step-by-step primer to assist you in saying “no,” and therefore being more strategic in your actions.
DO THE PRE-WORK
90% of the job of saying “no” is making a thoughtful decision to do so. This internal reflection happens outside of the actual conversation. It is the cost/benefit analysis of seeing where this new request that just landed in your lap fits into your strategic priorities, and also what could be the negative consequences of pushing back. Ultimately, you need to be ok with these consequences and see them as a calculated risk, if the time investment of saying “yes” is not worth it.
This decision-making can be complicated because you are often going on incomplete information. Here’s some food for thought:
- Understand the full picture. I always recommend having a conversation with the person who is asking you to take on something, because then you can ask questions: “Tell me more about what needs to get done, what is the deadline, what are the reason for the urgency,” etc. etc. Email is inadequate for this.
- Buy yourself some time. If someone tackles you with a request out of the blue, resist giving them an answer immediately, until you can process it. It is ok to say “That sounds like a great opportunity. Let me get back to you within the next 10 minutes/hour/day because I need to check a few things on my schedule.” Or simply “I would love to give this the proper thought it deserves. I’ll get back to you by the end of the day.”
- Consider delegating or postponing the task. Always good alternatives to doing something yourself now.
- Respect the person. It is their right to ask you, just like it is your right to decline. Becoming resentful of this person because “How dare they give me yet another thing to do when they KNOW I’m already under water!” is just not a helpful mindset.
- Respect yourself. Know your value. I wrote more about this here.
TACKLE THE CONVERSATION
If you’ve done the reflection and your decision is that you will pass on this opportunity:
- Say it clearly and unequivocally…
- …and also respectfully and kindly. Thank them for the opportunity!
- Give reasons, but don’t let it turn into a negotiation if you don’t want it to. Personal reasons can be very powerful here, because it is hard for the other person to counter them with logic.
- Offer what you can do.
- Stick to your guns.
In practice, this sounds something like this:
“Thank you. Please know how deeply honored I am to be asked. I appreciate your thinking of me for this. At this time, I am not looking to do [opportunity]. As we’ve talked before, it is important for me that I focus on [current priorities], and I simply cannot take this on. I am happy to put you in touch with person Y/provide you with the materials/have a conversation to discuss strategy [offer what you can do].”
If they are good negotiators, they might push back too, and try to convince you. This is tough. But as I said before, it is their right to ask, just like it is yours to refuse. Bob Burg, author of “The Go-Giver Influencer” advises: Listen without judgment, then stick to your guns: “I appreciate it, I am not interested, but thank you so much for asking.”
Is it possible that your answer will disappoint the asker? Make them angry, even?
Absolutely. And this is why the Pre-work above is so important. How you say “no” will hopefully mitigate the effects of your refusal, but it is still a refusal nonetheless. You need to be at peace with your decision. And who knows? You might even be surprised that the other person will respect you for it.
