And what I mean by work/life balance is: the ability to protect your life outside of work, so that you reach a sustainable integration of the two (I am not sure such a thing as true, continuous “balance” is possible in many cases).
Many of my clients are people in the professional services (lawyers, consultants) who work under tremendous pressure: late nights, cancelled vacations, and weekend work are not uncommon. Even with my non-client facing coachees, the pressures and demands only increase, the more senior they become. They love what they do, so completely changing their job is not a fulfilling and reasonable option; and in fact, their love for what they do is partly driving the long hours, because they want to do good work. Therefore, it is a challenge and a continuous struggle for a lot of people to protect their life outside of work and protect themselves from burn out.
The “code words” for people who are struggling to make time for a personal life often sound like this—I hear them all the time: “I am drowning under all these demands from my boss, how do I manage my time better?” “How do I push back?” “Is there a way to say no that won’t piss people off?” “How can I cope with sleeping 5 hours a night and still be productive?” (Answer: you can’t. Most humans are not built that way.) “I don’t believe my lifestyle can improve right now, it’s just what it is. I need to quit this job if I can’t take it.” Ultimately, the danger is that these people become resentful of their job who is always “asking for more;” burn out; and leave.
And yet, amongst the hundreds of people in high pressure environments I have talked to over the past 10 years, there is always a (smaller) group who do not seem to have this problem. What’s also baffling is that they are usually star performers who get great performance ratings. And, by their own admission, their work/life integration is sustainable. What is their secret?? And yes, sometimes it is because they have a better boss, or better office or company culture. Indeed, environmental factors do matter. But that is not the full story.
I am not talking about a tactical approach to squeezing the most of your time, either. Yes, there are tactics to maximize your time, such as how to manage email (I wrote about them here), or how to say “no” in a thoughtful way that mitigates the consequences (future blog post to come). Beyond these techniques, there is also a deeper mindset which matters a lot and, in my experience, makes the difference between those who can successfully “push back” on work and those who cannot.
Here’s the truth: if you fundamentally believe that the essential value you add as an employee is how hard you work, you will never be able to draw boundaries that protect your personal time.
If you fundamentally believe that the essential value you add as an employee is how hard you work, you will never be able to draw boundaries that protect your personal time.
The small group of people I mentioned earlier? Their discourse is very different. Typically I hear “I am never afraid to push back because what’s the worst that could happen? They could fire me, I suppose. But if I lose this job, I’ll just find another one.” “I love what I do and I know that I’m good at it.” “When I get enough sleep and I am healthy and happy in my personal life, I am also able to contribute better to the job.” “I know when to pick my battles, protecting my personal time; I do not do it all the time, but when something is truly important to me, I do not hesitate.”
These are not people who are demotivated; they, too, love their job and are willing to go to great lengths for it. Indeed, they will put in the long hours or the difficult travel sometimes. But they do it because they choose to, not because they are afraid that otherwise they will be judged or rated lower in their performance evaluations. They fundamentally trust the value they bring to the table and they have confidence in their ability to deliver. They don’t need to prove it by staying up the latest.
I came across a sister concept recently, while reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly.” Brene Brown has dedicated her life research to understanding people who live “whole-hearted” lives, as she calls them: happy and fulfilled. This quote caught my eye:
“[The people who fell on the whole-hearted continuum were] the participants who addressed anxiety at the root by aligning their lives with their values and setting boundaries … When we asked that group about the process of setting boundaries and limits …, they didn’t hesitate to connect worthiness with boundaries. We have to believe we are enough in order to say “enough.”“
In my experience, too, people who are comfortable to set boundaries at work are people who are secure in their self-worth. They know they add value, make an impact, and offer important insight. And that going home at 6pm once in a while, or leaving early to attend their kid’s play, or saying “no” to working this weekend is not going to completely wipe that away. I have seen situations where indeed, and unfortunately, people were penalized for taking a break even when they had worked 24 hours non-stop. However, 95% of the time, the fear of the consequences is far greater in our mind than the consequences are in reality. We are our own worst enemy.
Don’t get me wrong: if you knowingly accept the long hours as a necessary part of the job, this post is not for you. But if your current situation is not aligned to what’s important to you and you are looking to change something, I offer this to you: letting go of insecurities is harder than finding a miracle solution for working more efficiently. But it may be what’s needed.
