Mentorship is a hot topic. A mentor will share their wisdom when you get stuck on a problem, build you up when you get discouraged, and ultimately accelerate your career. My coachees constantly ask me “how do I find a mentor?” It’s a great thing to have; it’s also daunting to make it happen.
Finding a mentor is especially hard today. In this interview, Harvard Business School professor Thomas DeLong shares his observation that fewer people under 40 report having mentors, compared to people over 40. In a world of increased pressure, where it’s all about adding to the bottom line, people do not have the same time anymore to invest in growing and developing others.
As a result, experts nowadays talk about mentors being a somewhat outdated concept altogether. Instead, consider thinking about building a “personal support team” or a “personal board of directors”: rather than put all your eggs into the metaphorical basket of one mentor, be mindful about cultivating a network of people who support you and whom you support in return; an “a la carte” version of mentorship, if you will, where each person around the virtual boardroom brings their own point of view, experience, and expertise to support your development (see the chapter on “Build Your Team” from Joelle Jay’s book, “The Inner Edge” for instance).
The question still remains: how do I find these people (let’s call them personal “advisors”)? And how do I start having an “advising”/”mentorship” relationship with them?
My answer is always the same, and while bizarre, it’s the best analogy I could find. Finding a mentor or an advisor is a bit like dating: it’s a question of trial and error, until you find good chemistry; and then sticking with it. Here are some tips to get you going:
1. Ask yourself “Who are the people I admire, with whom I would like to cultivate relationships?” This is a better first question, rather than thinking about it as “How will I find myself a mentor?” which puts a lot of pressure and responsibility both on you and the person you are considering.
2. Once you have a list, schedule a meeting or a call,:
- It’s always easier to find advisors amongst current or former co-workers or friends, so that’s a good place to start when reaching out to people. Even if you have not had any conversation about your development with these people, there is already a relationship in place, on which you can build. In this case you would just schedule a “catch-up conversation” with them.
- If you have not worked with a person before, but you respect them greatly and you would like to consider them for your “advisory board,” it does help if you have an excuse to contact them—e.g. to interview them for a project; to conduct an informational interview about their department/company/job; or simply because you want to get to know them because your paths might cross (if you work at the same company, for instance). It does take “2 minutes of courage” to reach out to people in this way, but what do you have to lose, really?
- Cast a wide net. The more people you talk to, the better. After all, it’s likely that a lot of conversations will not result in the kind of long-term relationship you are hoping for, and that’s ok.
3. Before the conversation, it helps if you are intentional and thoughtful about an informal agenda. What is your goal for the conversation? What are some questions you will ask? What is one thing you would like this person’s advice on? Having a loose agenda helps focus the conversation so that it does not turn into an unhelpful “complain session” for instance.
4. During the conversation, just focus on having a helpful, interesting chat. My best advice would be: Don’t ask them “Will you be my mentor?”. The label is intimidating, and ultimately not that important; the relationship is. And don’t try to impress them, either. This will likely highjack your focus towards a cycle of self-monitoring, and that often results in you not being your best self. Focus instead on getting to know them, being helpful, or following your natural curiosity.
5. Think about how you could also be helpful to them. I heard this metaphor recently from a leader: over time, a relationship is like a bank account, it has deposits and withdrawals. If you are making a lot of withdrawals, asking for their help, is there any way you could also make a deposit, over time? For instance, you could ask about their current challenges or what they would like to know. You could share ideas or resources (e.g. articles) with them afterwards.
6. If the chemistry is there, ask if they would not mind following up with them at a later date. And voila! 30 minutes can turn into another 30 minutes, and maybe having lunch or coffee, etc. etc.
At some point after a few more lunches or conversations, I have found it helpful to “formalize” the relationship a bit more—i.e. ask people directly “I love our conversations, they are always so helpful. How would you feel about scheduling a catch up every quarter?” In one of my advising relationships, we actually split our hour 50/50, spending the first 30 minutes on my topic, and the latter 30 minutes on his topic. It has been an absolute treasure having this person to help me think through issues.
Good luck! Who is around your “personal development” table?
