A few weeks ago I was watching from the back as a leader facilitated a session with about 30 people. As I see this person present—a petite, informally dressed man, slowly walking around the room, speaking in a measured, quiet voice, participants sometimes straining to hear him but hanging upon his every word—I am left wondering: what is it that makes this person so compelling to listen to? I am baffled. He makes an undeniable impact on the room (participants tell me during the week how impressed they are), all the while flying in the face of “conventional wisdom” markers of executive presence.
I think executive presence is important. It is, ultimately, what gets us heard. Maybe some of us would love to just let our results speak for themselves, but the truth is that, most often, we speak for our results.
The challenge is maintaining your authenticity, finding your style and your voice, while also being compelling and impactful. To do so, I think you start on the inside: there are four internal “keys” to executive presence. I talked about Conviction here, and today I will tackle Confidence.
Conviction is believing in your message. Confidence is believing that you are uniquely poised and qualified to deliver that message. And that is, without putting someone else down in the process; confidence is not arrogance (and in fact, arrogance often hides insecurity).
And this brings me back to the leader I mentioned earlier: yes, he genuinely cares about his message (the Conviction I talked about earlier). Yes, he does use the right words and he listens to the room (I will tackle “Choose your words deliberately” and “Connection” in future blog posts). But most importantly, we are all responding to his strong sense of self. He is authentic, funny, with nothing to prove. Each of the 30 of us in the audience feel like we are in one big conversation with him. His humble confidence is charismatic. And contagious: I am more likely to believe what he is saying because he seems so comfortable within himself and in front of the room.
His humble confidence is charismatic. And contagious: I am more likely to believe what he is saying because he seems so comfortable within himself and in front of the room.
What if you do not feel at ease in front of the room, though? What if you hate speaking up? Even further, what if—gasp!—you objectively are the least experienced in the room?
Yes, this poses an interesting conundrum, doesn’t it: if you lack confidence, you will not be compelling or might not even speak up at all. But if you don’t speak up, influence people, and get results, then your confidence could sink even further. I believe this is what we call a “Catch 22.”
Building up your confidence is an extraordinarily complicated endeavor, which can take a lot of effort and time. Here are a couple of strategies for those specific moments when you need to “show up strong:”
1. Master your self-talk. Self-talk is the script that goes on in all of our heads, the words that we tell ourselves in our constant dialogue with ourselves. Self-talk matters all the time, but it is particularly important in intimidating situations when we need to demonstrate strong presence.
Think of it this way: these are situations where you need to “perform” at your best, not dissimilar from an athlete in a competition or a dancer in a show. How would they perform if their coach told them, right before going into the arena: “You are the worst performer here. Are you sure you even belong in this competition? Don’t forget about x in your routine, you always mess that up!” It sounds ridiculous, right? And yet, we do this all the time with ourselves. Being critical with yourself has its time and place (when done well), but right before you need to demonstrate strong presence is not that time and place.
That is the moment to be empowering and positive. I am not suggesting lying to yourself; you cannot trick yourself, so that defeats the purpose. I am suggesting connecting back to what you do well, to what matters to you, to what you want. And being ruthless about silencing the self-doubt. Having a mantra helps, one that is authentic and real to you. One of my colleagues says “You have a right to be here.” Another: “SHINE!” I say “Let’s go have fun!” because living a life of joy is essential to me. A leader I worked with says “Imagine all of these people in the audience are rooting for you to succeed.”
2. Connect to your strengths. Be your own advocate in front of yourself. To build yourself up you need to remind yourself of what you do contribute, even in an intimidating situation. One of my coaching clients compared this to being like a lawyer who is assigned the “self-affirming” side of the debate you have in your head. This framing forced her analytical tendency to work in her favour, constructing a case that built her up, not tore her down. She was very good at finding a reason why she did not belong in the room, but that’s not helpful. The goal is: can you find reasons why you do belong in the room?
3. Take a “risk” mindset. To project confidence, you might have to get over the fear of being wrong or saying something stupid. This will feel risky: your words may feel like throwing yourself from a plane without a parachute. Know that is normal and become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. It is a sign that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, which is the only way to learn and grow. Labelling this feeling can be helpful: a client of mine calls these situations your “3 minutes of courage.” As in, “Oh boy, here go my 3 minutes of courage! This feels uncomfortable, but it is important for me to say it.” Over time, your “3 minutes of courage,” added up, will build a natural confidence.
What will you tell yourself next time you need to “show up strong?”
