Sarah is a star performer, by all objective measures. In the past 4 years, she has been promoted twice, the last time to manage a team of 50 people. And yet, when she came to me, Sarah revealed her deep insecurities about not being good enough.
Because Sarah was incredibly self-critical and failing her own high standards, she lacked confidence. This was actually starting to impact how she was showing up at work. Seeing she was messing up, she was getting even more discouraged; and on and on it went, in a negative spiral.
Sound familiar? There was a lot to unpack in Sarah’s case, but a break-through for her came with a seemingly small shift in…how she saw the world.
We all interact with reality through a set of beliefs, mindsets, or paradigms. They act like colored lenses we put on, at some point, then forget they exist. Until, that is, someone points them out to us. And when we take them off the world, all of a sudden, has a different color.
“All-or-nothing” thinking or “black-or-white” thinking is one of these powerful lenses through which we see the world.
It impacts how we see ourselves. Thinking about ourselves in an “all-or-nothing” manner tells us we can fall into one of two categories of performance: either 1) “I am good at this” or 2) “I am terrible at this.” Researcher Carol Dweck wrote about this type of mindset, which she called “fixed.” The implication is that our competence is static; oversized challenges to our competence defeat us.
Sarah, my client, was stuck in a fixed mindset: she believed that she was not good enough at her job, and therefore felt like a failure. Because, of course, if one is not good, the only other option is—bad. That’s really not a confidence builder.
The “all-or-nothing” mindset also impacts how we see others. Similarly to how we make judgments about ourselves, with an “all-or-nothing” mindset we will quickly make categorical, catch-all judgments about people around us: e.g. Anna is lazy/careless/should not be in this job. John is a star/amazing/can do anything you throw at her.
This kind of thinking is dangerous, for many reasons: it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy (as research suggests, if we give all the plum assignments to John of course Anna will eventually get discouraged). Most importantly, it’s limiting: people are much more complex than that.
“All-or-nothing” thinking also impacts how we see opportunities, like my lawyer client who was caught in an internal conflict because he wanted to be a present dad, but also do incredible work with blue chip clients. The underlying assumption he was operating from was that the two were mutually exclusive, which caused him many worried sleepless nights.
What can replace “all-or-nothing” thinking?
- A “growth” mindset (per Carol Dweck). Perhaps I am not either good, nor bad. “I am learning. I don’t know this, yet.” This was certainly the case with Sarah, who had been thrust in a position where her capabilities were most certainly stretched, having never led a large team with multiple layers of management before. Once she started giving herself a break, she gave herself permission to learn, rather than get crushed by her own expectations of immediate perfection.
- A curiosity about ourselves and others. Once we are open and receptive to see the shades of grey, we start to understand that all people have strengths and weaknesses. Great people leaders can see the potential in others and guide them towards situations or roles that use their strengths.
The same is true for ourselves, by the way. An accurate self-image is a complex one. For instance, even if skill X might never be our strength, no matter how much effort we put into learning it, it does not automatically mean we are bad leaders or failures at our job. It just means we need to figure out what works for us.
- Both/and thinking. In the case of my lawyer client I mentioned above, we worked on a simple question: “how can I be a present dad AND have the kind of career I want?” The answer may not be immediately obvious, and it can feel like a pointless exercise. No matter. If you stick with it, by simply forcing yourself to see the two factors together, you expand the solution space. It’s astounding how much more creative we can be when we don’t limit ourselves.
Next time you find yourself caught in “this OR that” kind of thinking or making categorical judgments about someone (including yourself!) try finding the “AND.” Holding two seemingly opposite things in our heads at the same time is a great recipe for creativity.
